The Christmas He Loved Her Read online

“Not that I expect you to, you know, spend all your time with me or come over, or…”

  “Hey,” he said softly, taking a step toward her until his tall frame blocked all the sunlight. “You need to know that these last few days have been amazing.” His lips swept across hers and he pulled her into his embrace, resting his head on top of hers.

  “Why does it sound like you’re about to say good-bye?”

  The wind picked up then, and she shivered against him, not liking the silence.

  “Jake?”

  A hint of sorrow touched his eyes and then was gone in an instant.

  “I have to go to Boston for a few days.”

  “Boston.”

  He nodded.

  “Boston, as in Barbie doll?”

  He frowned. “Lily is in Boston, yes.”

  Something hot and furious rushed through Raine. He’d just spent the last two days and nights with her. Loving her. And now he was off to see Lily St. Clare?

  “Wow,” she said and reached for the door handle. “I must suck at this whole sex thing, you know, if the minute you leave my bed you’re headed for Barbie.”

  “Raine, it’s not like that.” The guarded tone should have been a warning, but it was one she ignored.

  She arched an eyebrow, suddenly raw inside. “What’s it like then? We’ve never had that conversation. The one about Lily. So, what’s her story?”

  Jake shoved his hands into his front pockets and studied her for a few moments. “Babe, I don’t know where this is coming from. Lily is a good friend…a close friend, and she’s got some really bad shit going down right now. Her brother is dying, okay? Her brother, a guy who served with me, is dying, and she has no one else who gets what it’s like.”

  When had the warmth fled? The intimacy? Guilt slithered through Raine and nestled under her skin because she knew she should feel something more than anger toward a woman who was about to lose her brother. But she couldn’t help the way she felt, and at the moment it felt as if Jake was choosing Lily.

  Right or wrong, there it was.

  “Okay, I get that. I do. But what is she to you? What’s Lily and Jake’s story? Have you fucked her?”

  If he was shocked at her language, he didn’t show it, but he was angry. That she could tell clear as day. He got that look in his eyes, the blank one. The one she hated.

  “Christ, I don’t have time for this.” He ran his hands through his hair in agitation. “Lily was there for me when I needed someone. When I thought I was at the end of my rope. I can’t explain how or why or… She saved me from myself.”

  The hurt inside Raine exploded. It was red-hot and it filled her vision until all she could see was darkness.

  “She saved you.” Hot tears burned the back of her eyes.

  What about me? She raged inside. What about what I gave you? What about what I lost?

  “Good for Lily.” She yanked on the door. “Good for you.” Raine slipped inside her car. “I’m glad you had someone, Jake. I really am.”

  Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

  “Shit, Raine, don’t—”

  “Was she there the night I called you? The night I needed someone so badly, it felt like I was dying? Was she the woman who answered your cell?”

  “What are you talking about?” he asked harshly, his face white.

  “You don’t even know, do you?” she shouted. “I called you because I needed you. Because I was dying without you.”

  “When?”

  “Does it matter when? What day? What month? You were with someone else, going on with your life, while I was stuck in hell. You weren’t there for me, Jake.” A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away angrily. “No one was.”

  Gibson barked once and then stopped, sensing the distress and anger.

  Raine stared straight ahead, her voice shaky as she wrapped her hands around the steering wheel. One big fat tear slipped from her eye. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that you had someone, I really am.”

  She put her car into gear. “But I wish it had been me. I wish you had never left, because then maybe I wouldn’t have gone through hell by myself. Maybe then I wouldn’t have lost…”

  “Lost what?”

  But she flinched and refused to answer.

  For a moment there was silence, and then Raine cleared her throat and whispered, “I’m sorry for her, I am, but I can’t help the way I feel. Maybe that’s selfish, but it’s all I got.”

  Raine slowly backed out of the driveway, ignoring the man who stared after her. Ignoring the pain in his eyes and the pain in her heart.

  Once she was on the road, the tears came and she made no effort to stop them. The pain was intense and she let it flow through her. She let it touch every cell in her body until she thrummed with anger and pain and loss.

  By the time she reached the bend in the road, she had to pull over, her hands were shaking so hard. She wasn’t sure how long she was there, crying like an idiot, but eventually the tears subsided and she felt strangely calm.

  “Damn,” she whispered as she pulled back onto the road and drove through a winter wonderland. “Coming back to life sucks.”

  Chapter 19

  “Jake, where have you been?”

  His mother’s voice was more than a little concerned, and he paused in the foyer, his only thought a hot shower, hopefully one that would help clear his head.

  “I was holed up at Wyndham, I told you that.”

  Marnie crossed the foyer and paused a few inches away. Free of makeup, with her hair clipped back off her face, she looked delicate. The lines around her eyes and mouth didn’t look as sharp, and he thought that maybe she looked halfway relaxed.

  “I know that, mister,” she said affectionately, “but I called you nearly six hours ago. Didn’t you check your messages? We need to leave for Texas, for your medal ceremony. I’ve already checked, and the flights—”

  “I’m not going to Texas, Mom.”

  Shocked silence followed his words, and the guilt inside him, so raw and heavy, pressed into his chest. He swore underneath his breath and looked away, not able to deal with his mother’s pain in addition to his own. Or Raine’s.

  God, he’d screwed up. He’d screwed up huge, and at the moment, he had no idea how to fix things.

  “Jake? We just thought…well, we thought you might want us there. Your friend Mr. Baker invited us and…” Her voice broke. “He said he served with you and Jesse.”

  Damn. Leave it to Baker. The guy had never had his timing down. Never. It’s why his nickname was Trigger. As in fast. But that wasn’t always a good thing.

  “Look, there’s no ceremony. I’m not a Ranger anymore. There’s just Baker, holding a medal for me that I don’t deserve.”

  He closed his eyes, hating the tension that sat across his shoulders. Hating the memories embedded in his brain. The ones that told him he sure as hell didn’t deserve a fucking Bronze Star, especially one with the word valor attached to it.

  If he were the hero they all thought he was, Jesse would still be alive. He would be here with Raine where he belonged, not buried six feet under.

  Things were so screwed up. Beyond screwed up. Where the hell did he go from here?

  “Jake.”

  Something in his mother’s tone grabbed him hard and he whipped his head up, his blood running cold at the look in her eyes. Shit. Could he do this? His father had joined his mother, linking his hand inside hers.

  “Jake, what happened to you?”

  “Marnie,” Steven cautioned.

  “No,” she said sharply. “This has gone on long enough. Jake, what is going on with you? Can’t you share some of your pain with us? We gave you space when you wanted it. When you disappeared and cut us off. We let you, because we thought that’s what you needed, what you wanted.”


  “Mom—”

  “No, let me finish.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to help you, but clearly, being away from your family hasn’t accomplished anything. It hasn’t helped at all. You need to explain things to us. You need to help us understand.”

  Marnie glanced up at her husband, exhaled slowly, and spoke. “We’ve never asked you what happened over there. What happened the day Jesse died. But I think it’s time that you told us.” Her voice trembled slightly and she let Steven’s hand go, so that she could cross over to where Jake was. She placed her hand on his chest and he ached at familiar warmth of her touch. God, he was so cold.

  He was sick inside.

  “I think you need to tell us what happened. I think that you need to tell me why you can’t sleep and what those nightmares mean.” Marnie slipped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. “I think you need to do this, not only for us, but for yourself, Jake, because I can’t stand seeing you hurt like this. I already lost one son, and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you too.”

  Jake’s arms slowly pulled his mother as close as he could. His eyes stung and his lungs hurt to breathe because the lump in his throat was so huge, he was afraid he’d choke. He cleared his throat and glanced over to his father.

  “Okay,” he said, knowing he’d reached the end. He just hoped when they heard the facts, they wouldn’t hate him as much as he hated himself.

  His mother grabbed his hand and pulled him into the family room. She sat in her chair, the one that had always been there, the one he and Jesse used to squeeze into when she got out their favorite book, The Black Stallion. She used to read them one chapter every night before bed, and God, he’d loved that time with her. With Jesse.

  His father passed by and clasped his shoulder before moving behind his wife.

  Jake sighed and glanced out the window, across the snow-and-ice-covered lake, and an image popped into his mind. One he hadn’t thought of in a long, long time.

  “Do you remember when Jesse and I decided to go ice fishing? I think we were ten? Eleven?”

  His mother nodded slowly. “You’d asked for days to go out there, because Cain and Mackenzie wanted to go.”

  “Yeah, we did, and you told us that it was too dangerous. That the lake was too deep and that the ice wasn’t thick enough. Of course we didn’t listen. That Saturday we waited for you guys to leave.” A frown creased his brow. “I think you guys were bowling or…”

  “It was the church bazaar,” his father murmured.

  Jake nodded. “That’s right, and we were supposed to help, but I convinced Jesse to pretend to be sick so we could stay home. So that we could go ice fishing while you guys were gone.”

  He turned back to the lake and closed his eyes, memories washing over him as if it were yesterday.

  “It was cold. The kind of cold that freezes the hair inside your nose. I remember the sun was so bright, we had to wear sunglasses, and that Jesse wore his new ski jacket. The red one with black sleeves. He liked it because it was the Detroit Red Wings colors.”

  “You had the blue and black one,” Steven said, a soft smile on his face.

  “It took us a while to find the perfect spot, mainly because I wanted to go out farther, near Old Man Jenkins’s place. That’s where the sweet spot was, along the north shore. It didn’t take us long to cut through the ice either. I guess that should have been our first clue that we didn’t know shit. That the ice wasn’t thick enough.” He glanced at his mother. “I should have known it was dangerous.”

  Marnie shook her head. “There were two of you out there, Jake. It wasn’t just you.”

  He ignored her comment. “I think we’d been sitting in our chairs for maybe twenty minutes when I got a bite. Man, we thought we’d scored huge. I jumped up and down and he yelled at me, told me to stop being an idiot. I think I flipped him the bird and pounded the ice once more before sitting back down in my chair so I could reel in my catch. But then the ice cracked and heaved, nearly dumping me into the water because I was so damn close.”

  He shoved his hands back into the front pockets of his jeans. “Jesse let his rod go and tried to grab me. He tried to push me out of the way but ended up sliding through the hole. I remember how awful I felt, like was I was going puke. It was panic and fear. God, it was so thick and hot that for a moment, I was frozen. I couldn’t move.”

  “You were a ten-year-old boy, Jake.” Marnie turned to her husband and grabbed Steven’s hand.

  “I fell onto my stomach and slid forward, yelling because I couldn’t see Jesse at first, and I was so scared that he’d get trapped under the ice and then I’d never be able to get to him. It was getting dark, too, and it was so cold.”

  Silence followed his words, filling the room, but only for a moment.

  “And then I saw his hand and I grabbed it. I don’t know how in hell I didn’t fall in with him.” He shook his head, “I don’t know. But I got hold of him and pulled him out.” He blew out a long breath. “His lips were already blue, and there was a moment when I thought he was dead. I remember it clear as day. The fear slipped away, and for that one moment, I was empty. But then his eyes flew open and he slammed his fist into my face.

  “Bastard broke my nose.” Jake took a moment. “That was the first time I had a broken nose. The first time I nearly lost Jesse, but over there…”

  He shook his head and looked at his parents. “In Afghanistan, there aren’t any second chances, and when the shit hits, someone gets injured or dies. The thing is—” His voice broke as the wall of emotion he’d been pushing away for months slammed into his chest with all the fury and strength of a freight train.

  “Just like that day on the lake, Jesse should never have been there. He shouldn’t have gone out with us. I shouldn’t have let him.”

  “What are you saying?” Marnie’s voice shook, and though he wanted to look away, he wanted to be anywhere other than where he was, he couldn’t. He owed his parents the truth.

  “Afghanistan broke Jesse. It took his soul and crushed it. I knew it. But he didn’t. It was like he was out on the lake, walking across thin ice, and he didn’t give a shit. He just didn’t care. I don’t know what happened, what event or place or person broke him, but he wasn’t right. He wasn’t strong enough to be safe. He became cocky, and fear didn’t even factor into anything. He thought he could walk on water.” Jake closed his eyes. “He thought he could walk across the ice.”

  “Oh, Jake.” His mother’s soft voice nearly did him in.

  “He was careful, never a danger to the rest of the men in our unit, but when it came to his own personal safety? It was like he had a death wish. When I threatened to go to our commander, he laughed in my face. He pulled me close and told me I was paranoid and no one would believe me.”

  Jake shrugged. “He was right. None of the guys knew him the way I did. What they saw as bravery, or damn American strength, was him falling through the ice all over again. I knew the only way I could keep him safe was to stick by his side. To just stay there and not leave. But that morning…”

  “It’s okay, son. We don’t need to hear any more.” Steven’s rough voice cut through the haze in Jake’s mind, but the pain inside him was too intense. It was rolling through him, and he didn’t think he could stop if he wanted to.

  “That morning we had orders to retrieve two targets being held by insurgents. Our intel was confirmed and it was a go, but everything about it felt wrong. The location was off, it was full of civilians. Families.” He paused. “Kids.”

  He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, his mind still back there, his nose full of desert, and sand, and the burning stench of human flesh.

  “We went in just before dawn and cleared the perimeter before slipping inside the compound. Jesse was on point and I was following up the rear, Blake—Lily’s brother—and Headsy making up the rest of our
team. This mangy animal, a dog, wandered into the building we’d just cleared. I remember it looked at me for what seemed to be a really long time. I remember thinking the shit is gonna hit. I felt it.” He paused. “I tasted it. And then all hell broke loose. Mortars were going off, rounds firing into the air, and I could hear the other teams from our unit outside returning fire. We joined them, and the firefight lit up the night like the Fourth of July.”

  Jake shook his head and grimaced. “Jesse walked into that hell with his head up like he was walking down a sidewalk in Crystal Lake. I couldn’t believe it, and I wanted to knock him down so badly that I started toward him. I had every intention of taking him out myself, except Blake took a hit and went down, and I knew it was bad. By the time I got to Blake and pulled him to some sort of safety, Jesse was already out of sight.”

  “Oh, my sweet boy,” Marnie moaned, clutching Steven as she stared at her son.

  “I was pinned down. There was nothing I could do, and when I found him, it was too late. He’d taken out several insurgents, but he was down, and it’s a miracle I wasn’t killed trying to get to him. I think it was my anger that got me through, and when I finally made it to his side and pulled him back out of harm’s way, it was too late.”

  The well inside Jake burst, and his body shuddered so violently that when his mother’s arms wrapped around him, she shook as badly as he did. When Steven grabbed them both and held them tight to his chest, Jake finally let loose everything he’d been holding inside.

  For the longest time, the three of them stood there, huddled together in the family room, three bodies melted into one.

  “I tried to save him, Mom. I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough,” Jake managed to say. “His wounds were…they were fatal, but the thing was, he didn’t want it. He didn’t want to come back from Afghanistan, and I hate him for it.”

  For a moment there was silence, and then Jake gently disengaged himself from his parents. He wiped the wetness from his eyes. “I don’t know how he could do that to Raine or you guys. I can’t forgive him for that, and there’s no way in hell I can accept a medal because someone thought I was brave that day.” He shook his head. “I wasn’t brave. I was running scared, trying to get across the ice before he fell through, because I knew I was too late.”